Judging Jim Bakker

I have to give my brother credit. He knew from the start that Jim Bakker was a crook. You might think that a thirteen year old would have neither the experience nor or the acumen to judge a man's character so successfully, but then Andy had a leg up: he'd met the man.

If you're much younger than me, or not a United Statesian, you might not know who Jim Bakker is. I'm not referring to ex-Secretary of State James Baker, but rather to the former head man of the PTL Broadcasting Network. Jim and his wife Tammy Faye achieved a certain notoriety in the 1980s, Tammy for wearing copious amounts of makeup which always ran because she always cried; Jim for having an affair with then-church secretary Jessica Hahn.

"PTL" stood either for "Praise the Lord", "People That Love", or "Pass The Loot", depending on who you asked. The PTL channel was Christian-based broadcasting, 24 hours a day, and Andy and I were, well, religious watchers of the shows.

The fact was of some concern to our mother. We'd both rejected the Christian Science religion of our parents; now she was concerned that we were adopting the biblical fundamentalism that ran through both the PTL shows and the predominantly-Baptist area where we lived.

She needn't have worried. We just found the exotic cast of snake oil salesman hawking their wares to be more entertaining than F-Troop reruns. Jimmy Swaggart was (is!) cousin to Jerry Lee Lewis and probably the best at stretching out the word "Bible" to four or more syllables. Kenneth Copeland won us over with the quote: "People tell me I'm not supposed to take the Bible literally; well how else am I supposed to take it?" Gene Scott was easily the wiliest and most weirdly captivating of the bunch, expounding on the revelations of the Great Pyramid in his safari hat and black leather trenchcoat.

Compared to these guys, we found Jerry Falwell, founder of the "Moral Majority" (sorry, I can't type that without the quotes) relatively boring. Anti-communist rhetoric just wasn't as entertaining as reassurances that we were living in the last days.

And, of course, there were Jim and Tammy Faye.

We spent hours glued to our seats, evaluating these folks' appeal, style, and sincerity. Obviously they were selling crap, but which of them knew that they were scamming the old folks, and which actually believed what he preached?

Most of the time we were agreed -- we knew Jimmy Swaggart was a hypocrite years before he was arrested for consorting with a prostitute. But Jim Bakker was a point of great debate. With his baby face and obvious earnestness, I was sure that he was one of the Self-Deluded. He seemed more like the ne'er-do-well that lucked into a handsome job and viewed that as proof of God's good will.

Andy, on the other hand, saw the Heritage USA Christian Amusement Park and the nice suits and was equally sure that Jim was one of the Con Artists. And since Jim was later jailed for misappropriating church funds, you know which of us to rely on as a judge of character.

But I think Andy was a bit hard on Jim, and all because Jim didn't deliver on the pancakes that he'd promised.

Years before PTL, Jim and Tammy hosted a local (to Tidewater, VA) children's TV show with a Christian theme. For some reason, one of my Mom's friends thought that taking her kids on that show would be a good idea, and asked if we'd like to go, too. Now my Mom's friend was also a Christian Scientist, and Bible-thumpers and CSers have fundamental philosophical differences, so I'm not sure why anyone thought that this was a good idea. I suspect that desparation to find something for the kids to do may have been an influence. At any rate, a few days later we headed over to the sound stage to be on the Jim and Tammy Show.

We sat there amid a small crowd of kids on the stage's paper-mache rocks. As the studio audience, we were expected to provide most of the show's sound effects. A sign held by one of the stagehands said "Laugh!" on one side and "Clap!" on the other; we were expected to do either on cue, and it's some sign of the quality of the show that we had to be told when something was funny or exciting. Clapping was easy, but we were less good at faking our laughs, which tended to sound more like asthma attacks.

The show itself was the usual kids stuff -- contests, puppets, that sort of thing. An episode lasted only half an hour, so the producers would tape several at a time to save money. That gave us more time to practice our laughs, but as the afternoon dragged on we in the peanut gallery became increasingly restless. Families started leaving, and no performer wants to play to an empty audience, even in a studio. So Jim (or one of his people? memory fails on this crucial point. . .) said that they were going to make pancakes as part of the show, and everyone that stayed would get some.

I didn't particularly care about the offer. I had won a toy in contest during a previous episode, so I was ready to go home and play. (Incidentally, after winning the contest Jim took me on camera and tried to do a ten-second Contestant Interview. Instead of addressing him -- or the camera -- as a normal kid would have done, I took the opportunity to show off my newly-practiced skill of pushing my glasses back up my nose by scrunching up my face. On watching the show later I realized that it wasn't cool being on TV when you act like a dork.)

Though I was equivocal about pancakes, for some reason Andy really wanted them. And since Andy hadn't won a toy, Mom tried to even things out by agreeing to stay. So we endured a few more puppet skits and songs, and eventually Jim and Tammy got around to the cooking segment. They chose a few children, Andy not among them, to help make the pancakes . . . and then to eat the pancakes, as it turned out. The rest of us watched from the "rocks". And while they ate, the closing theme song played, the bright studio lights were dimmed, and we were thanked for sticking around so long.

We never got our pancakes. And Andy never forgave Jim Bakker.

Dave Townsend / townsend@patriot.net / 22 Jan 00

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