CHARLOTTESVILLE PSYCHOLOGISTS' CO-PARENTING HANDBOOK IS FEARLESSLY PRESCRIPTIVE

Dan McClure and Jerry Saffer are husbands and fathers who have never been divorced, and they are also child psychologists who, fortunately for us, practice in Charlottesville, Virginia. Their combined 50 years of experience counseling kids and parents led them to write Wednesday Evenings And Every Other Weekend, which is a handbook for non-custodial fathers and is subtitled "From Divorced Dad To Competent Co-Parent." Published by the Van Doren Company in Charlottesville, McClure and Saffer's handbook differs considerably from the many books for divorced fathers that have proliferated in recent years ­p; and it differs in ways that should make it a valuable asset for divorced parents of either sex.

The two psychologists have stated as their mission helping the divorced father to accept the role of co-parent to his child in an active, positive and enthusiastic way. They do not shrink from the realization that the media and popular culture today emphatically reject any role for fathers, depicting them as universally abusive and incompetent, but they forthrightly reject the popular conceptions, and they urge divorced men to reject them too. "Forget what you hear," McClure and Saffer say, because "kids need fathers." They counsel that a divorced dad should totally reject all the pejorative terminology, from "non-custodial father," and "absent father," to "visiting parent." They advocate throughout their book the idea of the active and involved co-parent. The Charlottesville shrinks are not so naive as to ignore the fact that such pro-involvement behavior will enrage many custodial mothers, but they urge the fathers to turn the other cheek, stick to their mission of determined involvement and politely, for the sake of their children, refuse to back down.

Far from being an endorsement of masculine militancy, however, the McClure/Saffer book includes several chapters devoted to helping men whose marriages have been destroyed to get beyond their anger, show an attitude of unfailing and genuine respect for the ex-wife as a co-parent herself, and offer nothing but non-violent resistance. Perhaps their most valuable lessons, however, are in the area of avoiding needless litigation.

Very few books written for the divorced have presented such a realistic and unvarnished view of custody litigation from the client-parent's viewpoint. Showing not only respect, but a deep understanding of the lawyer's role in all of this, these authors nevertheless advise the client population in hard, concrete, Anglo-Saxon terms as to the foolishness of litigating on the wrong occasion and for the wrong reasons. They also show a deep appreciation, obviously drawn from their long experience, of the devastating effect of the process on the children for whose sake these wars are supposedly being fought. Saffer and McClure's straightforward, guy-talk summary of "Ten Reasons Why the Courtroom Is the Last Place on Earth You Want to Find Yourself," is itself worth the price of the book.

McClure and Saffer candidly recognize, too, that sometimes the problem is an intentional and voluntary, or at least chivalrous, renunciation of involved parenting. They advise that this must change, explain why (in terms that even the hardest-headed or hardest-hit father should understand), and list dozens of specific ways to change it.

Seeking to remove all stigma from the non-custodial father's relationship with a child and place it in an affirmative light, Saffer and McClure analogize the relationship to that of the many fathers who are absent from their children for reasons other than divorce ­p; the military, diplomatic, etc., parents who are away on unaccompanied tours. The children in these separated marriages love their fathers, and the fathers carry on their parenting at long distance ­p; albeit without a hateful ex-spouse in control of the captive audience and constantly running them down. They suggest that divorced fathers have much to learn from these undivorced but nevertheless separated ones.

What sets this advice book apart from so many like it is the absence of bad writing, and of occasional stupidity, unrealism and impracticality. This book, unlike so many others, rings true. And instead of pretending that hatred and fanatical opposition are simply not there as obstacles to becoming a long-distance superdad, they acknowledge this factor, but exhort all fathers as to the importance of rising above it.

Some of the most difficult problems of all parenting are addressed by what is probably the most valuable chapter in this book: one which tells a parent, step by step, but without being in any way insulting, how to be the kind of companion to a child that only a parent can be. This chapter attacks head-on the universal problem of difficulty in adult communications with a child, which is so aggravated when there is only this narrow semi-bi-weekly window of opportunity. And it does not try to disguise the fact that such parenting is an attempt to normalize a gruesomely abnormal situation. This chapter covers such topics as "becoming responsive and the meaning of 'responsive'" the art of being with your child, reawakening your own child, "They love you ... it's their nature," and the moments that children value so much with fathers and that nobody else can really contribute. Others include the greatest kinds of father-child conversations, "You don't always have to talk to communicate," alternatives to talk, "This isn't about you," and a list of "Ten things your kid will quote to his therapist some day if you're not careful."

There are chapters on earning the right of entry to a child's world, and on bringing the child into your world, safety issues, how to deal with pediatricians, and how to make your home one that the child wants to return to. There is also a chapter on the protocol for "dealing with your ex" that is quite long and very specific.

As child psychologists, McClure and Saffer do most helpfully just what Dr. Spock in his earliest writings used to do: they encourage fathers to become familiar with the stages of child development, especially as a means of avoiding some of the devastating emotional toll that normal (though obnoxious) child behavior can take on loving parents. They instruct visitation fathers how not to rush the relationship, not to have unrealistic expectations, how to discipline consistently and courageously, and so on.

The Charlottesville authors pay particular attention to the problems of discipline ­p; which they urge non-custodial fathers not to shy away from or abdicate their role in. Their fearless counseling is some of the soundest advice on child discipline that any father is likely to get, anywhere.

The authors are especially good, also, at emphasizing the many ways in which it is all-important not to disappoint or fail the child through taking the visitation relationship less than seriously. They are absolute about a parent's not letting new social/sexual relationships even appear to take a higher priority. Nor do they fear to allude to the strategic use that a custodial mother and her lawyers may make of any such lapses.

These psychologists are not afraid to be prescriptive, and notwithstanding the depth and subtlety of their understanding, their advice is phrased in terms that are simple and direct. They avoid buzzwords and jargon almost entirely (despite a few lapses such as "predictors of negative outcomes,") and they are not afraid to be unqualified and absolute.

Also, in a vein not unknown to other divorced-father books, they discourse wisely on how to capitalize on every opportunity to build a long-distance relationship and make visitation really work. This advice too is presented simply and directly, but from a educated person's perspective, avoiding the goofier and less realistic suggestions one often has to wade through in books of this sort.